Yesterday I was running a half day workshop on Using Core Values As A Compass. We set out to unearth and bring into the full light of day the wonderful richness of the values held by the 6 participants. And what richness there was.
Each person spoke about themselves, using the starting place of “a perfect moment” to explore what matters most to them. Each was witnessed by the others in the room, who then fed back the values they had heard in the story.
That’s where the idea of the clapperboard came in. Sometimes the person speaking was struggling to find the right words to explain what they had heard. They were groping around and then allowing their gremlin voices to say they were inadequate. So I pulled out my toy clapperboard (a couple of quid on Amazon and one is winging its way through the post to you) and asked what it symbolised for them:-
- CUT!
- ACTION!
Yes, both of these things. Yet also the sense that we don’t have to get it right first time. We can go back and try again, and again, until we find the words that truly express what it is we’ve seen in the other person.
Elaine Jaynes
The best exponent I know of not needing to get it right first time is Elaine Jaynes. Elaine, along with Mary Butler, led my Coaches Training Institute Leadership course in 2009-10. She modelled elegantly a number of ways to create time and space to find the words she needed. Some of the ways in which she did this were
- holding up her hand and saying “there’s something I want to say about this and I haven’t found the words yet. Just bear with me whilst I think”.
- using her hand to gesture a rewinding motion and saying “that’s not quite it, just rewind that”.
- gesturing rubbing something out with an eraser and saying “scrub that out/erase that – here’s what I really want to say”.
In the last couple of years I’ve been learning to use these, along with the clapperboard, to both create space for my words and to teach the techniques to others. They work. And, because I’m not needing to be right or perfect, my gremlins shut up.
Try it and let me know what happens.
May 1, 2012 at 8:10 pm
Hi Tilla
These are such simple techniques but really effective! When we write something down we have the opportunity to go back and to edit, to scrub out things that don’t make sense or aren’t quite what we meant and we have the time to really think about what it is we are trying to say. Having techniques that allow us to do that verbally is an excellent idea and really takes the pressure off. We don’t have to get it right first time – none of us is perfect!
May 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm
Thanks Rachel
Good points about writing – I hadn’t consciously thought about the difference when I was writing this post. (and I’ve just corrected 2 spelling errors in this already because the software underlined them in red). So, yes, allowing ourselves to do the same in speech is really helpful. Watching Elaine do it was an eye opener – she’s a mistress of the art.
May 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Very useful. When I’m groping for the right words in conversation, rather than say any old thing, I tend to go quiet (or a bit stutter-y!) and many people just can’t cope with that silence. Having a stock phrase I can say to stop them jumping in and finishing my sentence or moving on to another subject out of embarrassment is a great idea!
May 5, 2012 at 7:02 am
Good noticing that it’s other people’s discomfort with either silence or your groping for words that causes them to jump in. I think many people want to rescue the groper, others simply find silence overwhelming and a very few just love he sound of their own voice and leap into any gap, no matter how small. . . .
May 4, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Great post Tilla. I really like the idea of the clapperboard and the other methods that you tell us Elaine used. On reading her methods I noticed the emphasis on metaphor and movement. From my “Clean” training I discovered that standing / sitting in a different place / position or using a metaphor can make things easier to say. One I use when training coaching skills is the “press pause button” to allow time for thinking or explanation.
May 5, 2012 at 7:00 am
Thanks Liz – I’m going to add Press Pause to my repertoire