A few weeks ago I found myself avoiding having two difficult conversations.
In one I’d been asked informally to give some feedback to a colleague on the impact on me of his choices. In the moment I hadn’t known what to say, so I had avoided saying anything.
In the other I decided to tell the truth about something and then ducked at the last minute. In effect I lied to both people by not saying anything. I didn’t feel comfortable. In fact it was pretty painful. I worked on both of these issues with my own coach and have made a commitment to honesty. I’ve contacted both the people concerned to arrange a time to talk. I feel better already.
Rule Number 1 – take the initiative
So the very first rule about these difficult conversations is Have Them. Don’t put them off and hope that time will make them easier. Don’t hide them under the carpet and pretend they’re not needed. Don’t wait for the other person to take the initiative. Be courageous. Say “I want to talk to you about XXX. I realise it may not be an easy conversation for either of us, and I’d like to try”.
Rule Number 2 is keep the relationship in mind just as much as the issue
What’s a conversation? The dictionary tells me it’s informal, it’s a dialogue. For me that means two or more people, and going back and forth. It’s not a one-sided telling someone else what I think of them or demanding that they listen and then change.
Karen Kimsey-House, the CEO of my coaching organisation, wrote recently that the word is also derived from the Latin meaning to turn towards. So a conversation is about both of us, and it’s about the relationship we have with each other. If you are having a conversation with a waiter about cold food the relationship may not be primary. If you’re having a conversation with your best friend about loss of trust it’s vital.
Rule Number 3 – the pain of having a difficult or heart sink conversation is less than that of not having it
There are lots of reasons for not having difficult conversations. The most common ones I come across are:
- not wanting to hurt or upset the other person
- avoiding conflict because it feels uncomfortable or threatening
- not knowing how to do it
- fear of making a bigger mess
In reality these difficult conversations usually go far better than we think they will. And they do take courage – so let’s call them courageous conversations.
Rule Number 4 – keep the end in mind
Before you begin, consider what you really want from this conversation. It’s possible to get hooked by what you want the other person to do. Things like “I want a proper apology” or “I don’t want him to raise his voice”.
These expectations of the other person may not be met – after all how does the other person know what you mean by a proper apology? And if they are not met then you have lost, or failed. That isn’t the intention here. So what’s your deeper purpose? To get a particular task done by tonight? To clear the air so you can keep a friendship? To find a way of getting all the household chores done? Keep that in mind and you will have greater chance of success.
Later on in the day I wrote this I had the first of my difficult conversations. Writing this has helped me to prepare and to be fully present whilst I had it.
Part 2, with rules 5-8 will be published here in a few days time.
Let me know if it helps you to have your own courageous conversations. And remember, Rule Number 1 is Have Them. Without you stepping up and taking the initiative there is just the existing muddle and mess. Be one of those who cleans up messes and untangles muddles. Our world needs people who do that.
July 4, 2012 at 9:26 am
Oh so true Tilla,
I must be the world’s best rule breaker. From now on I will try and be 1. less stubborn 2.less selfish/let the other person get a word in edgeways,3.less of a worrier,4.be positive and think ahead.
Looking forward to Part 2 and rules 5-8, particularly as I take up a new role as a mentor to a young person.This will definitely be taking me out of my comfort zone, (as a non-parent and considerably out of touch with the youth of today and what makes them ‘tick’),I can only hope I meet his expectations, keep calm and help him untangle his muddles
July 4, 2012 at 10:08 am
Hi Pat
That’s a tough and clear sighted self assessment you’ve given yourself. Can I also suggest you add being more compassionate, both to the other person and to YOU. We all do the best we can, as we learn new skills we do things differently. Good luck with the mentoring, it’s a fabulous thing to do and opens up possibility of new insights for both mentor and mentee.
July 4, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Tilla, these kind of conversations are always best met head on aren’t they? I used to be the biggest coward in these situations and always tried to second guess what might happen. In fact I used to be far more stressed worrying about what might happen than if I’d had the conversation.
July 5, 2012 at 8:57 am
So true. I spent yesterday lunchtime talking with a group of women about this. We collected all the reasons for not having the conversation plus all the impact of holding on to the stress and then had a good laugh at ourselves for not doing it!
July 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Tilla,
It’s never easy to have a difficult conversation – but sometimes so very necessary. I agree with Rachel’s comment. Sometimes the thought of having these conversations is worse than the reality.
Even so, it’s best to find the courage and be as honest and patient as you can, remembering that you’ve probably played over in your mind what the conversation will look like, whereas it’s the first time the other person is hearing it.
July 5, 2012 at 6:58 pm
Hi
Patience is such a gift at these times. And I think one of the problems we can create for ourselves is running over what the conversation is going to look like. It’s good to have a broad outline of where you want to go, yet too much rehearsing can mean you’re not actually listening to what’s being said right now. It’s a balancing act and one that takes practice.
July 5, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Hi Tilla – great choice for a post! It had me thinking back to times when I too have been in those situations.
One such occasion still stands out for me to this day. At the organisation I worked for, part of the staff development programme was to undertake 360 degree feedback.
We were given the forms to fill in about colleagues & team leaders etc. The feedback was then given back to a team leader for them to collate & pass on to the individual.
At the time my ‘task’ was to motivate the team and raise our game. I had 8 people in the team and just over half of them were on my side. This one individual was very influential and was a brilliant team player but could be a but negative sometimes. As you’ve guessed I gave the feedback in the 360 report. When she received it she was quite verbal about this piece of feedback. What did I do while in the office? Just sit and listen to her rant on about how she’d love to know who wrote it!
That evening I rang her to explain that it was me who had written the feedback and explained my reasoning. I explained that as such an influential team member others were swayed by her moods, view points and comments. I also explained that what I was trying to do was raise the game for all concerned, to make the place a happier place to work. I took the initiative, had the relationship in mind, the pain of tackling the issue was indeed much less than the pain of the long suffering & constant moaning which would have ensued and I had the end in mind – getting on with the task in hand of having a happy place to work where we achieved and worked together as a team!
July 6, 2012 at 11:58 am
Great story Janet. It just shows what we can achieve when we are willing to step out of our comfort zone in service of something that matters. A happy place to work is something none of us can put a price on, and most of us know intimately the cost of being in unhappy places of work. Well done for holding on to the outcome you wanted and stepping up with courage.
July 10, 2012 at 10:25 am
Hi Tilla
Great post. The thing I find when I avoid difficult conversations is that I hold them in my head anyway!!
It helps if I have a clear outcome in mind.
Sometimes we can leap into having a difficult conversation without thinking so I prepare myself my asking “Is it kind and is it necessary?”
July 13, 2012 at 1:06 pm
No time to comment – off for a courageous conversation!